THINGS I'M GETTING OFF MY CHEST & OTHER THINGS...

ARRRGGGHHH!

I guess I'm writing this evening so that I can vent. I am so frustrated and irritated right now. I feel like I'm going crazy a times and that my world is falling apart. I have so many issues that I'm dealing with, things that I thought that I would be over with by now, but I'm not.

I wish I wasn't so jealous, I wish I wasn't so insecure, I wish i had a better self esteem and had more self confidence. I wish that i didn't have obsessive or compulsive behavior.

I am dating a great guy right now. We're been dating for about 4 months now and have been exclusive for the last 3 months. He's great, he writes me poetry, he talks to me, he doesn't judge me, he's sweet and caring, he comes out to see me when I'm feeling bad, even tho he lives so far away.

The bad thing is that he lives in Indiana, but right off of the Illinois boarder. It takes him a minute to drive over to here, but it's no different than if I was on the EL for about 40 minutes to an hour (which is the time it takes me to travel to work).

My problem is that I require so much attention! I don't want to be an attention whore, but I think I kinda am. Well ok, maybe I'm not an attention whore, because I really only want attention from him. It's like i always need him to reassure me that I'm pretty and that he wants me. What man wants a girl who's like that? Though he knows i have these issues and he assures me that he still wants to be with me to help me through them, I still have in my mind that he'll leave me.

Right now we're both struggling due to the economy and job market, money is tight. Last night I thought he'd come to see me, but he didn't earlier in the evening, so I told him not to even bother so late (he tried to at 10pm), because he had to be at work the next day at 6am, and I'd hate to be so happy to see him just for him to have to turn back around to leave. I was just frustrated because he could've probably seen me alot earlier, but he didn't. The same thing happened on Monday. So tonight I had class, and he was talking about coming to see me if he got the gas money. I told him cool. It was almost time for me to get out of class around 8pm and he was just now telling me that he couldn't get me. Now I hate to find stuff out at the last minute, especially if I'm thinking we're gonna hang. He text me back cuz I couldn't talk on the phone in class and said he won't make it. That's about 2 days in a row that I had my hopes up high thinking I'd see him, then my hopes were taken away.

I understand that he doesn't have the gas money and that things come up, but he doesn't understand that I need to see him for my sanity. I know I shouldn't be so dependant on someone like that, and I hate that I am. I'm mad at my self for being that way as well. I always said that I wouldn't be like this when it came to a man, that I wouldn't be clingy, or jealous, or acting crazy, but I feel like I am doing those things and I'm so upset with my self because of it.

This last week has been hard. I haven't seen him in a week and a day, not since he showed up and surprised me when I was hanging with my friend who was in town. He was invited to hang, but had to work, but he got out of work and showed up. I was happy because i thought i wouldn't be able to see him for almost 2 weeks. Now there's been times that we could've seen each other, even if just for a night, but I feel that those times haven't been taken advantage of, and it hurts me because I want to see him so bad.

I don't know if I'm falling for him, or if it's just lust, or if i just really like being around him, but I care about him alot. My life has been happier with him around. But when I've been so use to talking to him all day every day, and seeing him a couple of times a week, at least once a week, it sucks when that changes. I know his hours has changed at work, and that he's been starting work all of this week at 6am, so it's rough. He has to go to sleep, or he has his own life and things to do, but when something in his normal habit changes it makes me wonder....

That's another thing I need to stop....i need to stop thinking he's going to cheat on me. He hasn't really given me a reason to think that he would. It's probably just my own insecure self. I don't know if I should go with my first instinct so that I don't be made a fool of, or if he ISN'T doing nothing and it's just my own insecure tainted messed up self. I blame my ex boyfriend and the guy i talked to before him in college for playing me, and any of the guys i ever "talked" to that abandoned me. I have these baggage issues that i want to get rid of, but it is so hard. They messed me up, and i don't know how to let go.

I was re-reading some chapters in this book i bought to help me get over my ex "Don't Call That Man", and in it the author talks about abandonment issues. She said it could be from past relationships and from even your father abandoning you. My parents are divorced. Alot of times my mom struggled raising me and my brother. My dad wasn't there like he should've been, so hey maybe he's to blame as well as to why I am the way I am...

or maybe it's me...

I just know that i need to pray and meditate more. I need to learn to love my self because how can i even love someone when i don't even love my self? I want to be more confident....i want to be more girlie and feminine....that's another problem he has, that i don't dress as girlie as he would like. What he thinks would look nice on me. But that's just not me, and i told him that upfront, and how he met me is how he should take me. And he says that that is true and that he's wrong for trying to change me on that end, but then it comes up again. But i know that i need to dress prettier, girlier, sexier....because how else would i keep my man's attention? I mean i do want to dress like that, just really classy, girlie and pretty, but i lack the confidence i feel to pull it off *sighs*

I really need to work on my confidence....anyone got any tips? I don't want to depend on him for that. Though he wants me to know that he's there and that i can get my confidence from him, he tells me I'm beautiful, that I'm sexy, and have a great body, even when i don't feel like none of those things, but i want to be able to gain that confidence on my own...

and i sure hope i can see my man at least on this weekend, because if i gotta wait another week, i'ma go crazy! I wish i had a car to get out to him! i guess I'm just going to have to take the train to him....but since he didn't mention it and he never knows his work schedule off hand, then i don't feel like i should ask...he should tell me when he's off...which is another thing that irritates me...i feel like I'm always on top of the schedule and he isn't.

i really need to get my own life, and not wait by the phone for him to call. like right now i turned off the phone because i don't want to be looking at it, waiting for him to call or to get a text from him. plus i guess i secretly want him to know how it feels to wait on someone to return your call. he told me he was going to shower, and I'm like it don't take 40 minutes to shower....should i assume that he's cheating? or that he's giving me the run around? am i being boo boo the fool? or should i just trust him?

Trust is my other issue. My ex and the guy before him really messed me up on that. I want to trust my current boyfriend so much, but i always have these thoughts in my head because of the last 2 guys...and i know he's not those 2 guys and he didn't hurt me, but i can't help it. i need to learn to help it though.

plus it being hot as hell the last 2-3 days in the Chi ain't been helping either! i get mad and angry when I'm hot! plus I'm PMS'ing, well i was at the beginning of the week..and cramping...but yeah i know, those shouldn't be an excuse...maybe everything will be normal next week, if it's not so hot and i'm not pms'ing, lol.

I need to learn how to trust....i so want to trust him and not be paranoid or jealous or his female friends....that's the worse feeling to have...then i feel bad about being that way towards them, because they didn't do nothing to me, or i ain't met them yet, and it makes it seem like I'm nothing, just chopped liver...i need to have more confidence for my self! God i need help! please hear me God! help me!

I'm just blabbing now. I feel better that i vented out my feelings on here. I haven't done that in a while, not since my early days of blogging. oh well. anyone out there who prays, please pray for me that i can get better. I don't know what's wrong with me....i don't know if it's the social anxiety trying to creep back up, or if it's depression, or I'm hoping nothing else is wrong like me being bipolar or something. I wish i could afford counseling, because i would go....and i don't want to depend on medication. So for now i just gotta get support from people close to my, prayer, my bible, this blog to write on, reading self help books like this Joyce Meyers "Battlefield of the Mind" book, and God.

I don't know if anyone reads this anymore, please let me know if you do, because if you do, then maybe I'd start to write more. peace and take care everyone! :-)

look at me, calling him again, and he doesn't answer...great! i just left a voice mail saying "hello, it's 9:40, i thought you was gonna call me back...you still in the shower"?. *sighs* i should've not called him. oh well. we'll see how i get through this... :-(

posted by Toya @ 8:59 PM 0 comments

Its been a long time

I haven't wrote on here in forever. If i tend to write anything it's on myspace or facebook. Alot has changed in my life, and right now i'm pretty happy. have a new boyfriend, 2 jobs, i volunteer. i still deal with my social anxeity at times, but not as much. i'm alot more outgoing than let's say 7 years ago when i first started to write in this blog. I see that i only posted once last year. sorry about that, but i've been hella busy. I guess that's a good thing. Time has gone by so fast, and i'm getting older. 27 now, and soon to be 28 later on this year. I look back and the post i wrote when i was 20 and laugh. did i really write that stuff? ha! in other news, i have a new nephew...my first and only so far. he's almost 8 months. he's the most adorable thing. also i hope to go to grad school with in the next year and need to study for the GRE ASAP! anyways, that's enough of me.....

any of the old bloggers that use to read my blog still out there? or any new people that read my blog still out there? Chevonne? G. Cornelius, Star? Gian. Let me know! :-)

posted by Toya @ 11:29 PM 0 comments

Just checking in

i know i ain't posted much on here, but i've been posting alot more on my myspace (which i didn't use to post on). i'll try to update more on here.

nothing much going on with me. just working trying to find a new job...hoping to go to grad school soon, trying to eat healthy and exercise...and trying to figure out what i want to do with my life still...*sighs* oh well

anyways, i hope all is well with everyone! write on my blog if you still read it to let me know if ya'll are still out here! lol. :-)

posted by Toya @ 11:23 PM 6 comments

Good Riddance!

Goodbye 2007! It's been real! It's been a rough year and alot of learning experiences. So goodbye 2007, it was nice knowing you. Thank you for all of the life lessons, but it's time to move on to new and better things. (there's been so many things that have happened, even tryign tog et back with my ex, which i didn't talk about much, but it didn't work out, what a jerk!)


Welcome 2008! 8 is the number of completion. Things have got to be better, and they will.


Happy New Years ya'll! :-)

posted by Toya @ 11:47 PM 1 comments

Goodbye, well "later".... (Sept 16, 2007)

(This is a blog i wrote on my Myspace on Sept 16, 2007, please excuse the typos!)

in the previous blog, i said that my ex got back in contact with me. this caused a mess. me i was so confused because i was starting to like someone else i've been talking to. this caused a little bit of a problem witht he new guy, and he didn't want to get hurt. he felt like i still love my ex. i told him i'll always have a place for him in my heart, but that i need to move on and see what else is out there like he did. the new guy got a little jealous, and that's not a good thing, but i see where he's coming from, just wanting to cut me off so that he doesn't get hurt.

now my ex, i miss him. we've been texting each other all week, well mainly him texting me first. i was kinda wishing he'd stop. he seemed to keep hinting at wanting to meet up, and i'm like i don't think so. this has had me thinking all week about whether i should even be friend with him, which is what he want to do, but i know he wants to get back together, tho he said he understands if i don't wanna talk to him and am seeing other people.

like i might've said in the previous blog, i don't think it's been enough time for him to want to run back to me, especially if thing's didn't work out with whoever he was talking to. which is what i told him today. i decided to cut him off again, for a while, if not forever. i need to really move on. i mean i miss him, and there maybe a chance later on, but right now i need to do me. he had his chance, and i want mine. not just because he had his chance, but us breaking up has made me think about there being something better out there. if we didn't break up, we'd probably still be together. i'd probably still be trying to figure out what i want to do with my life. breaking up has pushed me to really think about what i want to do because i wasn't no longer thinking about how my decision would effect the significate other in my life,. since i've decided to go back to school, i'll just let guys know that ahead of time.

i told him i can't be friends because i need to move on and it's hard if i'm trying to date someone else and be friends with my ex at the same time. those feelings will be there, i'll always care about him. that's not going to help a new relationship, at least not now. i have to be complete over him because i can be friends with him, and right now, i don't know about that. either way i don't want to be with him because i don't know if i can trust him, or if he appreciate me, or if he'd be honest with his feelings. i also don't feel that 4 months is enough time for him to know what he's wants in his life when it comes to women. he was only tlaking to 2 girls. that didn't work out, what if the next girl worked out? i told him 4 months isn't enough time, and i don't want it to be that if me and him got back together, then he see's another girlhe likes, then break it off with me. i don't want to get hurt again.

i told him not to wait on me because i don't know what will happen. i told him i don't expect for him to wait on me and that he need's to continue to date. if late one, our relationships don't work out, and we're both single, and he changes for the better, and i can finally trust him, and he appreciate me, maybe then, we can try, but right now, no. i feels he needs to figre out what he wants, and he also needs to know what he's going to do with his life reguarding school. also i maybe moving away, but he did say that if he had a better job, and if we were together and things were going good, he'd be more willing to try a long distance relationship, because he'd have the money to travel and he'll probably be on his way to falling in love.

this relationship crap sucks! i wish it was alot easier. we talked for about 4 hours tonight. i originally called to just get it out and say "we can't talk no more", but we got the talking about something else silly, lol. i really miss our friendship we had. i eventually got around to that, and he said he understood. we talked some more about where our lives were heading, and i was like yeah, we gotta stop talking for now. we didn't want to get off the phone with one another, but i had to go because i got work. i started to cry, because i was letting him go again, and he told me not to, but i couldn't help it. i felt like this was for the best, but i'm wondering if i'm making a mistake and if i should keep him in my life. i don't know. for now i feel like it maybe best, especially while i'm dating other people, because what guy would want to date a girl who's ex is always coming around or still talks to her? i don't think they would, heck i wouldn't.

i told him later instead of goodbye, because i know he hate's to say goodbye, and i know i'll probably call him again one day to check on him. we were discusing plans with our lives, and i told him that he needs ot make a plan to get his life in order. since i care about him, i may call him to check on him, but i'm sure he'd be doing fine. i check his myspace page from tiem to time when i know i shouldn't. that'll let me know what's up with him, especially if he writes a blog.
it's funny how things can change in a matter of days, weeks, or months. if he had just made up his mind to contact me maybe about a month ago, maybe, just maybe i would've said "yes, let's try this again, i want rto be with you". or maybe i would've been like "hell no i don't wanna talk to you, don't talk to me". he said he expected me to do the latter, but i told him i have a soft spot in my heart for him. i guess you always will for your first love.

posted by Toya @ 11:38 PM 2 comments

Options: What is a girl to do? (Sept 11, 2007)

(This is a blog i wrote on Sept 11, 2007 on my Myspace, please excuse the typos!)

so in the blog before i talked about another guy i was talking to and seemed cool, not the 35 yr old man, but the other guy. we met up and hung out, and he's a really nice guy. i'm attracted to him, but he's like an inch shorter than me and smokes cigarrettes, ugh, but other than that i like him. he's a ex-thug, lol, he use to be a lil rough neck when he was younger, but that's his past, and everyone has a past, that doesn't make our future. and he's really into studying the bible. we've talked about a few things from it, that's something me and my ex really haven't done. he seems a lil bit more serious about getting his self together with God than my ex does. i've been really enjoying talking to him, which is good because i was starting to think that i wouldnt be able to date anyone or like anyone after my ex.

oh the ex, well i got a message from him on myspace today. aint this about a B uh? He sends me a message i guess at 11am this morning, well yesterday since it's 12:51am now, but anyways i got a message. he said that he know i said not to bother me, but he wants to know if i want ot meet up or hang out. i'm like wtf? i was so confused in that instant. here i am starting to like this other guy, talking to him every night, we hung out a few times, i like him, he likes me, and my ex comes along and drops a bomb. i called 2 friends, but they didn't pick up. then the new guy, i'ma call him p.j, calls. i tellh im what's up, about the note my ex sent. he's like "well what are you going to do about it" i'm like i dont know. he's like see that's why he needs to cut this off right now. i'm like what do you mean? i know what he means, he doesn't want to talkt o me no more because he thinks i'm still inlvoe with my ex. he's been saying this for the last few weeks, and i've been saying im not. he says he doesn't want to get hurt, and i mostly definately dont want to hurt him, he's a nice guy. but it's annoying when he says i'm still inlover with my ex. i've been working very hard to get over this, and it's like the last few weeks i've been really getting over the ex.

i hate that my ex sent me this message. it throws a wrnch in my plans. everything was going fine, but he has bad timing as usual. so p.j says i need to call my ex and find out why he sent the message, cuz i'm like i dont know if he wants to get back together or just wants to be friends. i'm like i dont want to and i dont know, but p.j says to do so and call him back later. i make him promise me that he'll pick up when i call back. he does. he tells me not to rush off the phone with my ex, but have a good conversation with him.

i call my ex, and he's like hello. i told him i was getting right to the point. i called him instead of playing tag on myspace. we talk. he tells me he misses me and has been thinking about me for the last few months, well weeks, whatever. it's only been 2 months snce we last spoke. he said he wanted to call me but wanted to respect what i said about him not contacting me. but he didn't wanna call ro text out the blue, so he just emailed me. he said if i'm available and would want to, we could be friends and start out slow. to try to date, or just be friends and not date. i'm like i dont nkow. i get a lil irritated and go back over some things we talked about months ago when we first broke up.

he told me he broke up because he needed to make sure i was what he wanted and that he wanted to be sure. after 4 months he said that he realized he had a good thing and i am what he wants. i'm thinking like wtf? oh so he went off and had his fun and dated while i was having a hard time to get over it, but now he's ready and what i'm supposed to be ready too? wtf? he said he didn't expect me to just be like "yeah lets get back together". and i'm not thinking that. yeah right after we broke up, id id kinda want to get back, but the last few months i've been asking my self what if he came to be wanting to get back. should i really? or should i just date other people? should i really go back to someone who wasn't completely honest with me about their feelings and didn't appreciate me when they had me? it's so cliche, but i guess it's true that you dont know what you got until it's gone.

i mean i miss my ex, i do, i miss our inside jokes, i miss our friendship. he was like my bestfriend for almost a year. when i see stuff i be wanting to call him like "oh man guess what i saw", but i couldn't cuz we wasn't together. he said he was wanting to do the same thing, but didn't cuz we wasn't together. it makes me mad that he just now realizes that he wants to get back together. why not 4-5 weeks ago before i decided to start dating? or why di dn't i wait to make that decision? maybe it would be easier. but then again i probably really wouldve been like naw cuz i wanna date, or regret getting back with him cuz i never had the chance to date.

the one thing i do know is that i do want to date other people. he had his chance, and no i want my chance to see if i like someone more than him or if there's something better than him. i've been waiting for that since we broke up. telling my self that there's something better out there for me. i mean my ex is always the one saying, talking about his ex, that you don't go back to someone who broke up with you. well not so much those exact words, but he did say he wouldnt go back to his other ex cuz he broke up with him.

he wanted to see what else was out there because he's a late bloomer, well i do too dammit because i am as well. i never really got the chance to date. now that i'm alot more outgoing, i wanna date and meet new guys. i don't know. p.j is a really nice guy, he's 29, yeah he a lil shorter than me, but i like him. his early gray hair on him, bothered me a lil, but i've grown to like it, i think it looks nice on him, kinda like the dude Khadija was dating on "Living single", lol, except p.J got more gray on his head than that, well it's more like a white/silver, and it looks nice against his dark skin in a weird way. but yes he's nice,a d he makes me laugh, and he care's about black people, and i do wanna find out more about him and get to know him better.

i kinda wish i didn't tellh im about this right away, but i'm too honest, so i felt like i should tell him. i can tell he likes me, so he doesnt want his feelings hurt. i dont want to hurt them. he said now we can' cake ont he phone or hold hands or whatever. we just gotta be friends. dang it, lol. i guess being friends is just what it's going to have to be friend. he said i can get to know him better and have a clearer understanding on this thing with him and my ex. that way no hand holding or caking to confuse things. he said i should meet up with my ex, but i know he doesn't want me too. i'm not sure if i should. i told my ex i'd let him know, he said i got his number to call him.

i dont know. this is confusing as hell. on one hand i already know about my ex, so why even bother to meet up with him. is it to see if there's any feelings still there? of course there is, i mean he was my first boyfriend, but does that mean he's the person for me just because he was my first boyfriend? i don't know. it's been easier for me to get over him since talking to other guys, so i guess the feelings aren't so much there like it was say 2 months ago when iw as still sad. yes i've been thinking about my ex, but it's been more of a what to do if he tries to get back with me, and i've been debating this in my mind for a few weeks. long behold it happens!

i wanna get to know p.j though! and i know if trying to date my ex, p.j will not stick around to see what happens. and why should he? i wouldn't blame him. so far though i told p.j i wanna date and get to know him. he said we be friends first, he dont wanna put his self out there, i dont blame him. as for my ex, i don't know. he's just probably going to have to wait, just like i was for a few months before deciding to just go date again. just because it tookh im 4 months to figure it out, doesn't mean it'll take me the same time, it may take me longer. maybe i'll be with someone ad decide that my ex wasn't for me.

i guess it is best that we did break up. he told me that he's sorry he hurt me, but he doesn't regret breaking up because it let him know what he now wants. he said he wants a stable relationship, and he feels he can have that with me. i told him i maybe moving going to school. he was surprised about that because he didn't expect me to move. the other surprising thing is that he's thinking about staying in Chicago, which is funny because one reason we supposedly broke up was because he wasn't sure if he was going to be going back home or not. go figure! now we've reversed! aint that about a B! if i move away, another thing is it wont work with my ex, because he's against logn distance relationships, and i told him that. now p.j said he's up for that, so i don't know. i've been willing to try out a long distance relationship if i moe and i really care about a person. i don't know. we shall see. i just gotta pray about this because this is so confusing! anyways, i got work in the morning, peace out.

posted by Toya @ 11:35 PM 0 comments

35 year old men and other things...

so yeah, it's been almost 4 months next weekend since me and the ex broke up, and it's been about 2 months since we last talked (which was his graduation day), but yet i'm still holding up, and thing are getting better. thank God! i'm trying my very best to let go, but things are WAY better than before and i don't feel as bad as i use to. i do have to make myself stop looking at his page however, to see if anything has changed, or if he has a new girlfriend. i saw that he had a few new blogs, and i read them. i see that he's been talking to 2 other girls, no biggie, because i expected that, and kind of already knew. then he mentions 3 of his females friends who would make great girlfriends. he claimed at the beginning of the blog that he'd never understand women and that he keeps getting these females witht he same type of characteristics, and he said they had the same like me. i hope they aren't bad characteristics, but i think they're good, but i guess whatever the case, we all act the same. in his blog it seemed that he was trying to make it like we're the one's being difficult, but it seems to me that he's the one not knowing what he wants....but anyways, to the point, in his blog he says "i still think about my ex girlfriend alot, she was the only one who really had my back. i'd have to get this all out of my system before i can get back with her". that really bothered me right there. get all of WHAT out of his system? i guess the sex or something since he wasn't getting that from me. i know a year is hard to go without intercourse for someone who has previously engaged in it, especially if they're mind isn't right and they don't have the same feelings about remaining celibate like the other person has....but his statement made me think is he going to date and mess around with whoever, then when he's done, come running to me? that kind of made me think if he think's i'm just waiting for him. does he think i'd still be around? i mean if he came back today and said he wanted to be together, i honestly don't know what i'd do. i mean a part of me may want to be with him again, but another part of me would be prideful and be like "hell naw, you had your chance". so i don't know, maybe i'm reading too much into it. he doesn't know i read his blog, but i found a way to read it.

also i forwarded a big email about the Jena situation to alot of people and forwarded one to him on purpose...this was like some days or a week before i read his blog, and i wondered if he'd repspond back, since i did tell him not to email me or forward anything and that i wasn't going to email him, smh. he forwarded me some email about Mars coming close to earth (which is a myth, i googled it, i wanted to tell him that, but i decided not to), so i know he did that purposely too...i dont even know what t think about that...i haven't gotten any other type of emails.

so on that note, and before i even read that blog, i've been thinking about whether i should try to date or not. but reading that note made it clear that i don't need to be waiting around for someone who doesn't know what they want to do with their life, and is even more indecisive than i am....but even before the note, i thought about dating, but i wasn't sure if i was ready yet. i don't want to be caring this baggage around with me, i to drop it off and never pick it up again. but i don't know if i could trust someone again, at least not so soon. i mean i guess dating doesn't mean i have to be in a relationship with the person, but what if i fall for them? *note to self, don't fall for someone so fast* but what if i do, then i'd probably be all paranoid and not trusting, that's not good in a relationship.

but in a way i do want to date. i want to take my mind off of the ex for good. i want to enjoy my self. i want to enjoy male company. i miss that, having someone to hang out with like that. i miss cuddling and holding hands. i miss all of that, but i don't just want to settle for anyone.

then another thing is that i've been thinking about going to grad school, and if i go into the program that i'm thinking about, there's only 6 in the nation i believe, and i'll have to leave Chicago again. i don't want to be in the same situation that me and my ex was in: not being sure if i'm going to move while dating someone. this time i'd be on the other end. it would be me not being sure, and i really don't want to have someone dealing with that. i don't think that a relationship would be good to get into if i may be leaving in the next year or 2. i mentioned that to my grandma, telling her that i'm not sure if i should date because i maybe moving in another year or 2. i asked her does that mean i should go on any dates for a whole 1-2 years??? she said that doesn't mean that i can't date. she said it's ok to go out to dinner and to go to the movies, that doesn't mean you've got to be serious and in a relationship with that person. but i asked her what happens if we fall for each other and i'm still planning on moving. she just said then i'd deal with that when that time comes. but that's the thing, i don't want to deal with that, i don't want to go thru that again, with me being on the other end.

i guess i just have to learn not to fall head over heels over someone, because they could very much not be the right person for me. and as long as i let the guy know that i'm just dating and not looking for nothing serious, then at leas that's out in the open.

dating seems to be hard. i've been trying to figure out where in the world would i met guys at. i don't do clubs or bars, and i don't like guys who hang on the corner, and at my job, ha, i wouldn't even bother. so i'm like if a guy tries to talk to me, should i just shut him down, or give him a try. so last Wednesday i was getting on the bus running late for work, and the bus driver started to talk to me. when i was about to get off, he asked if he could give me his number. i'd usually be like "naw" because a bus driver the weekend before tried that, but he seemed nice, so i took his number. i wasn't going to call him that night, but i did. he told me before he gave me his number that he was 35, when i asked his age. i told him that he's old. i mean he's not REALLY old, but i have this thing against older guys trying to talk to me. and i dont tend to look at men who's over 4-5 years older than me. we talked on the phone for a while, which means nothing to me, because i talk alot, but to some people it may mean something. he seemed nice, but he's 35 yrs old with 2 kids 8 and 9 yrs old! ugh no! i kept telling him that he was alot older than me...i should've just never called him...i dont know why i did, i guess because i really wanted to go on a date to get my mind off of the ex. so he asked if he could see me after i got off the work the next day, we had been texting each other, and already planned to go bowling on Friday, so i wasn't sure about that because he was already going to see me, but i met him at a pizza place not far from my job. we sat a talked for a few minutes, then i had to hop on the train before my last bus left....he kept talking about how much he liked me, and i'm like ok, he just met me, he can't like me that much. to me it seemed that he was desperate and just wanted a young piece of meat. why else would a 35 yr old want with a 25 yr old? he sat on the train with me for a few stops and had to get off. he playfully hit me, which wasn't hard, just a light tap, but i don't play like that. i told him not to play with me like that. i've always been like that about play fighting with guys, since high school...i don't think that's cool, and alot of guys at my high school use to do that with girls at my school, but not me, i told them not to play with me like that....i know he probably thought i was crazy, but i told him not to do that, and i don't play like that. he just tapped me, but still. he looked hurt, but i didn't care. he got off asking me to call him. i did later but didn't talk much. he asked if we was still going to go bowling on friday, and i said yeah, i had to at least give him one date. well Friday came and he still had his kids with him and said he sent me a text saying that, i'm like no you didn't. he said he'd call me back, and i was like if you need to be with your kids, stay with them, don't try to get rid of them to go on a date. well he never called back, and i was stalling time int he store. he was supposed to call back in 10-15 min. almost 30 min passed and i was like forget it, and got on the train and went home. i was relieved because at that point i've been thinking like this guy is alot older than me and we dont seem to have much in common. i mean when he was 18, it was like 1990, and in 1990 i was 8 about to be 9 that December. and he said he likes 50 cents music, i mean that probably doesn't mean nothing, but to me it sort of shows me where his mentality may be...and he's a CTA bus driver! my mama always said that Bus drivers are WHORES, now that maynot be true for all of them, but i'm pretty sure they talk to quite a few women every day.

so he calls me Friday night after i'm home, and we didn't talk long, and i told him i'd call back, which i don't think i did. he calls today (meaning saturday), and he's talking about when he's off and setting up another date. by now i'm kind of not feeling this guy because i've already been thinking. and he said he told his mom about me, i'm like wtf? we're not dating. so he says "if i make you uncomfortable, let me know, i'll stop calling you". i didn't want to be mean and hurt his feelings, so i think iw as avoiding it. i'm like am i over analyzing this? is something wrong with this guy or no? or is it just that he's old, and did i mention short? well short for me, since he's only 5'9" and i'm 5'10". so i was like "why do you claim you like me so much", he was like he just do, but if i didn't want him to call me anymore just say so. i was trying to put it in a way not to hurt his feelings. but i dont know, he seemed too clingy in just 3 days of meeting. he said he'd call me back in 10 min, but didn't. i went ont to call and talk to other friends. he called while i was on the line, but i didn't click over. i called him back back and he didn't pick up. i should've just told him then not to call. but it'll be ackward if i get on his bus again. i mean can i talk to him as jusgt a friend and try not to date, and that's what he kept saying, but he seems like he got too attached too quick, keep saying i'm beautiful and trying to make the convo sexual....so yes tomorrow i will tell him to not call me no more, because i'm not comfortable talking to him now...i think he's just some older guy, who's not quite old and not quite young, and is still probably trying to hold on to his youth by dating someone younger...plus he said the last time he was in a relationship was 5 years ago....but he has a cut budy...so no, i have to rethink that...

so besides him, the day before i met him, at my job we have to call messenger centers, and one i call alot, the guy was trying to flirt with me and gave me his number. we talked on the phone and he seems cool. we seem to have alot more in common since he's 29. but dang why does he have to be 5'9 as well? what's with the short guys! i want 6ft and up! we was supposed to meet up today, but that fell through, so maybe tomorrow, or next week. it's not meeting up like "oh i like him", but he just seems cool. and he said he doesn't want a relationship. besides, talking on the phone with him the other night for like 4-5 hours (i talk alot), he said i talked about my ex boyfriend for 2 hours. shame on me! my mom told me me not to talk about my ex with a man, because they don't like that, but i told her too late i already did. the guy said i was love struck and still in love with my ex. he was laughing at me. i told him the situationa nd about the blog i read. he said that my ex is like a puppy that got let out of the gate, but they always come back home. ugh....i told him that doesn't mean he'd get back with me...he said that me and my ex will be back together at the end of the year...he's not the only person that said that though...other's have....but i wont dwell on it, because i dont want to have hope...i think i'm past that hoping stage....i kinda DON'T want to get back together because he broke up with me....so year, this guy seems cooler than the 35 yr old, and it's not like he's trying to holla at me like that...at least i don't think so, especially since he think's i'm still in love with my ex...but he seems like someone cool to hang with. so i'll just have to meet him in a public place in case he's crazy, lol...take a pic and text his driver license number to my mom or friends, lol...but he doesn't seem crazy....

i'm just rambling on here...another long a** blog. so 2 days in one week wanted to hang out with me, and i'm open to trying to go on a few more later on with others since the one's from this weekend didn't go through. i also need to STOP TALKING about my ex, God please help me with that! but it's hard. since last summer up until May this year, that's who i hung out with all the time, he was like my bestfriend...like he said in his blog, i was the only one that had his back....so i have alot of stories and inside jokes i shared with him. so when i see something, or hear about something funny, it reminds me of him or any funny things we've seen together or places we been....so i have the habbit of saying "yeah i went here with my ex..." or "...my ex and i did this one time..." "or "my ex said..." *sighs* so i REALLY need to work ont hat, because i dont want to push a great guy that may come my way away because of talking about my ex...but like is aid, it's not as bad as it was when we first broke up, so i'm making progress...

posted by Toya @ 1:54 AM 2 comments