THINGS I'M GETTING OFF MY CHEST & OTHER THINGS...

God

Why am i'm going thru so many emotions. I'm ok one minute, and feel so sad and lonely the next that i start crying. i really don't want to feel this way. I feel so alone though. God please help me. Don't let me feel alone. amen

posted by Toya @ 12:12 AM 0 comments

Some days afters...

So we're broken up. i miss him, but i know i can't take him back. i just wish that it would have worked out, but i guess we weren't meant to be together. I had a nice long talk with my cousin, and she told me that i am naive about things when it comes to relationship. she said i shouldn't have second guessed my self and i should have went with my first instinct concerning situations that happened some months ago. She said thoughts of the old Toya that was depressed was making the 2nd guessing. She said i should have used my woman's intuition and went with it. however i didn't and i kept making excuses and said "well maybe he's telling the truth". How could i have been so stupid? I knew in my heart that something happened, but i chose to ignore it. I wish i hadn't, but there is alot of should've could've would've, and i can't go back and change the past, so i just have to move forward. I wish that i would have took advice from a friend about 2 months ago. He told me that the relationship was already dead and that i should just break up, take a break if i want to save the friendship. But i didn't, i opted to hold on. Even i thought after the situation happened that we should take a break, but i kept talking my self out of it, even he, the new Ex, said that we should break up, but i begged him to help me through my problems. I feel like he was manipulating me, or i allowed him to do that. I should have been smarter than that, but that's life. I just know that these events will just make me SO MUCH stronger and i know that i can't let this get me down, sad or depressed. It's ok for me to cry this out, which i've been doing for the last few days. It's ok with me to be angry with him and dislike him a whole lot. But i hope that way day, and i will, i will make my self forgive him. I want to forgive him so that i can move on. And i will continue to forgive him every day until i am over him because i do not want any baggage. I will continue to forgive my last Ex and the guy before him so that i can finally get over that. They hurt me so much as well, but i tried to forget what happened and acted like they didn't hurt me. The previous 2 guys were in my life for over a year, each of them, so i was really hurt. My newly acquired Ex has only been in my life a little over 7 months. I guess 7 months isn't that long, but i fell in love. I wish i didn't fall in love so soon.

In the email i seen he wrote to one girl, i seen how he talked to her, in that poetic way, trying to come off as a nice guy. That's the same way he came at me...the same words "don't mind me, i'm silly at times". I wish that i never did fall for that. I guess that's his game. Why do i keep falling for these guys that are so called Nice Guys when they're really not nice guys? Not saying they aren't nice at all, but it's kinda like a front. They're nice but they do stupid stuff. I wish i can find a guy who is truly a nice guy and who will not try to hurt me, play me, and who will be patient with me, and love me, even with all of my flaws.

Ive been seeing alot of people i know who have been getting married, some younger than me. Alot of people i know are starting new chapters int heir life, getting married, expecting kids, already having kids. I just can't help to wonder, when will i have all of that God? I hope i do one day. I know I'm not even 30 yet, but i'm close to it. I really do want to find a great man, but maybe that's the problem. I need to stop trying to find him and let him find me. I want to be loved and him love me. I want us to respect each other. I want us to love each other unconditionally. I want us to be each other best friend. i want that friendship first, and that's what was lacking in my newly dissolved relationship. We didn't give each other enough time to truly get to know one another, and we jumped right into the relationship, mostly because i feel he kinda pressured me and kept saying that he wasn't going to hang around long if i decided to just date other people as well, so i felt kinda cornered, and figured he was a good guy and i didn't want to miss out on a chance, so i took that chance. i guess i can't be mad for taking the chance because at least i loved for a little bit. and i can't put all the blame on him, because i was silly for allowing someone to pressure me to be in a relationship. i had a feeling i wasn't ready to date exclusively and i wanted to just go out on dates....i should have realized that i was not ready for a relationship...but i did and tried to make it work, but i realize that now i wasn't sure if it would ever work....i was just hoping that it would work and hoping that he'd be the one. So we're both at fault.

I just wish that i didn't lose that friend, and i think i'm more hurt at losing the friendship than i am to losing the actual relationship, because even tho he took me through alot of mess, the good side of him was so positive and encouraging, and I am going to miss that part of him so much. I just hope that one day i get that type of positive, encouraging friendship again.

posted by Toya @ 10:20 PM 0 comments

Ending another chapter

So my relationship is over. Me and my guy have been having problem, and even when i typed up the post yesterday, we didn't talk all day. i decided to be nosy and check the one email i knew he didn't change his password to. i seen in it that he was meeting women from craigslist, made a profile there, and was calling women, maybe even have met some, but he was actively looking for someone. i know he said he didn't meet anyone and was just talking on the phone, but he was looking to meet them. to me that's cheating. and i don't want to wait around to see if he'll even try to meet them. whether he did or not, i don't have time for that, him or his lying ways. i loved him so much and he hurt me. of course we had our problems, and i had bagged, i'd be the first to admit that, but he had alot of bagged to and he never owned up or admitted that he had baggage. he put it all on me and made it seem like i was always the problem. it wasn't until we talked tonight that he said he was dealing with stuff, but as much as i asked him to open up, he never did. and he still tried to make it like i never listened to him. i wanted him to open up and comfort him and make his hurt go away, and i hope he'd do the same for me, but he didn't. he never opened up to me so that i could let him lay on my lap and maybe cry if he need to, and let him know it'll be ok, even if he didn't believe it. i wanted to do that for him, but he never allowed me to. he was just stubborn and had his way of dealing with things. i'm so glad that i seen his email because i would have stayed in this relationship longer and he would have found someone and dumped me. i'm glad i called him and told him that i think we should break up. that's the hardest thing i've had to do, and i've never broke up with no one. granted he wanted to break up several times weeks ago, but i practically begged him not to. after that i felt ashamed, embarrassed, and seemed that i made myself look desperate. and he told me then he didn't love me anymore. so even though i was trying to hold on, after that day of begging him, i started to not like him anymore and fall out of love. so many times int he last week ro 2 i wanted to break up with him, but i kept talking my self out of it. so i'm glad i seen his email because i didn't want to get hurt or played. he was taking my love for granted. he knew i had issues and i was trying to work on, and i wanted to believe he loved me, but the way he been acting over the last few months, it felt like he didn't. and he's been so mean to me. so i'm glad it's over so that i can move on with life. i need to stop worrying about having a man....and i should not have fallen for him or let him talk me into being in a relationship when i told him i wasn't ready and knew i wasn't ready. that's my fault for allowing that. but oh well we live and learn, and i hope and pray that i NEVER make this mistake ever again!
i sent him a long email, which i kinda wish i didn't send, but oh well, i needed to get everything off my chest and let him know how i felt since we'd never probably talk ever again. he probably won't read it and probably will delete it, oh well, at least i got it all off my chest.

now it's time for sleep, time to cry and pray, pray to God to help me get over this hurt, and pray to God to help me to forgive him because i most definitely don't want to bring the baggage from this relationship over into my next one, and i want to be able to learn to love and trust again. i want to be free of all past issues and problems and be a new creature in Christ.

Goodnight all.

posted by Toya @ 1:54 AM 0 comments

learning how to let go

I was talking to my cousin the other day and she said something to me that i guess i never thought of. I was telling her about the trust issues i have because of past relationships. Because of one particular relationship i'm always feeling like i'm going to get played. I'm always worried about someone cheating or flirting or not liking/loving me anymore because they fell in love with someone else. There was a guy in college that i use to talk to for a long time. in the end he got busted by me and his ex because he called his self trying to get with the both of us. i guess that i never really realize how much that really hurt me until yesterday. my cousin said that because i tried to be so strong after that, that i just got up and pushed that situation in the back of my mind and moved on. but just because i moved on didn't mean that i healed.

i asked my cousin then how do i heal from that? i mean i kinda laughed the situation off when it happened and ignored him though he still tries to continue to contact me to this day, but i just wanted it to be a learning experience and move on. he caused me alot of hurt and alot of the baggage i have right now. this baggage caused problems in my last relationship when i didn't realize it did and it's causing problems in my new relationship. i just want to be able to trust, and if i don't trust a person because of good reasons, i just want to be confident enough t o leave, but i don't want to not trust a person just because i'm paranoid. i want to be able to discern between the two.

so last night as i went to bed, i did what my cousin said and prayed. what she told me to was to pray and ask God to expose those past hurts. i prayed, and as i was praying, i asked God to help me to forgive all of the people that i felt have hurt me, this guy i'm talking about, my ex boyfriend, and my current boyfriend. i also asked God to please help me to forgive all of the failed relationships i've had with men. these relationships weren't sexual, and we weren't necessarily dating, but they were guys that i was interested in that i felt that abandoned me. these are guys who just stopped talking to me out of the blue which was hard to understand, and very hurtful to me, especially with me dealing with my social anxiety and depression at the time. in the past i was so shy and nervous talking to guys, so when i tried to or succeeded at it, it was a big task, but i didn't know how to keep their attention so they just disappeared. i have alot of hurt because of those guys as well. i liked them but they didn't like me the same back. that was several guys, we met and we just didn't click, and that hurt because we clicked before we actually met.

i also asked God to help me to forgive the first guy who ever tried to really talk to me. it was freshman year of college, and the summer after freshmen year, he gave me my first kiss...and the next year he walked past me as if he didn't know who i was. that really hurt me.

so with all of these failed relationships and friendships, i cried and asked God to please help me to forgive these people.

i'm currently reading Power of a Praying Woman and she has int hat book about unforgiveness and how sometimes you have to not just forgive a person once, but you need to continue to forgive them. me asking God to help me to forgive those failed relationships and friendships wasn't the first time i did that. i actually did it about 4-5 years ago when my pastor in college told me to write down a list of every single failed relationship, whether it be romantic, friendship, or family, and to call out them people by name and forgive them. after reading this book, i've realize that i have to ask to forgive them maybe everyday until i finally forgive, or at least every time thoughts of unforgiveness comes up (which is what the book says).

i also had to ask God to please forgive me and to help me to forgive my self. there is alot of things in my life that i've done and allowed to happen that i wish i didn't do or let happen. i really have to learn to forgive my self so that i can grow and i hope and pray that God helps me along with this.

I also ask God for confidence in my self and to be confident in Him that he will help me and heal me. So please God please heal my old wounds, i don't want a quick bandage on them anymore like my cousin said i had because it seems as though the scared have been picked at and never been able to heal. i want them to heal completely, inside and out.

this felt good getting this off my chest and to just let it out in the open.

so i ask pray for me and pray with me.

if anyone still reads this, let me know, leave a comment.

if you've struggled with forgiving people, lt me know what your experience is and what have you done to help you to forgive that person.

i hope all is well with everyone, be blessed, take care.

posted by Toya @ 11:41 PM 0 comments

God...

...when will i finally be healed? Please do it for me! Amen

posted by Toya @ 10:46 PM 0 comments

ARRRGGGHHH!

I guess I'm writing this evening so that I can vent. I am so frustrated and irritated right now. I feel like I'm going crazy a times and that my world is falling apart. I have so many issues that I'm dealing with, things that I thought that I would be over with by now, but I'm not.

I wish I wasn't so jealous, I wish I wasn't so insecure, I wish i had a better self esteem and had more self confidence. I wish that i didn't have obsessive or compulsive behavior.

I am dating a great guy right now. We're been dating for about 4 months now and have been exclusive for the last 3 months. He's great, he writes me poetry, he talks to me, he doesn't judge me, he's sweet and caring, he comes out to see me when I'm feeling bad, even tho he lives so far away.

The bad thing is that he lives in Indiana, but right off of the Illinois boarder. It takes him a minute to drive over to here, but it's no different than if I was on the EL for about 40 minutes to an hour (which is the time it takes me to travel to work).

My problem is that I require so much attention! I don't want to be an attention whore, but I think I kinda am. Well ok, maybe I'm not an attention whore, because I really only want attention from him. It's like i always need him to reassure me that I'm pretty and that he wants me. What man wants a girl who's like that? Though he knows i have these issues and he assures me that he still wants to be with me to help me through them, I still have in my mind that he'll leave me.

Right now we're both struggling due to the economy and job market, money is tight. Last night I thought he'd come to see me, but he didn't earlier in the evening, so I told him not to even bother so late (he tried to at 10pm), because he had to be at work the next day at 6am, and I'd hate to be so happy to see him just for him to have to turn back around to leave. I was just frustrated because he could've probably seen me alot earlier, but he didn't. The same thing happened on Monday. So tonight I had class, and he was talking about coming to see me if he got the gas money. I told him cool. It was almost time for me to get out of class around 8pm and he was just now telling me that he couldn't get me. Now I hate to find stuff out at the last minute, especially if I'm thinking we're gonna hang. He text me back cuz I couldn't talk on the phone in class and said he won't make it. That's about 2 days in a row that I had my hopes up high thinking I'd see him, then my hopes were taken away.

I understand that he doesn't have the gas money and that things come up, but he doesn't understand that I need to see him for my sanity. I know I shouldn't be so dependant on someone like that, and I hate that I am. I'm mad at my self for being that way as well. I always said that I wouldn't be like this when it came to a man, that I wouldn't be clingy, or jealous, or acting crazy, but I feel like I am doing those things and I'm so upset with my self because of it.

This last week has been hard. I haven't seen him in a week and a day, not since he showed up and surprised me when I was hanging with my friend who was in town. He was invited to hang, but had to work, but he got out of work and showed up. I was happy because i thought i wouldn't be able to see him for almost 2 weeks. Now there's been times that we could've seen each other, even if just for a night, but I feel that those times haven't been taken advantage of, and it hurts me because I want to see him so bad.

I don't know if I'm falling for him, or if it's just lust, or if i just really like being around him, but I care about him alot. My life has been happier with him around. But when I've been so use to talking to him all day every day, and seeing him a couple of times a week, at least once a week, it sucks when that changes. I know his hours has changed at work, and that he's been starting work all of this week at 6am, so it's rough. He has to go to sleep, or he has his own life and things to do, but when something in his normal habit changes it makes me wonder....

That's another thing I need to stop....i need to stop thinking he's going to cheat on me. He hasn't really given me a reason to think that he would. It's probably just my own insecure self. I don't know if I should go with my first instinct so that I don't be made a fool of, or if he ISN'T doing nothing and it's just my own insecure tainted messed up self. I blame my ex boyfriend and the guy i talked to before him in college for playing me, and any of the guys i ever "talked" to that abandoned me. I have these baggage issues that i want to get rid of, but it is so hard. They messed me up, and i don't know how to let go.

I was re-reading some chapters in this book i bought to help me get over my ex "Don't Call That Man", and in it the author talks about abandonment issues. She said it could be from past relationships and from even your father abandoning you. My parents are divorced. Alot of times my mom struggled raising me and my brother. My dad wasn't there like he should've been, so hey maybe he's to blame as well as to why I am the way I am...

or maybe it's me...

I just know that i need to pray and meditate more. I need to learn to love my self because how can i even love someone when i don't even love my self? I want to be more confident....i want to be more girlie and feminine....that's another problem he has, that i don't dress as girlie as he would like. What he thinks would look nice on me. But that's just not me, and i told him that upfront, and how he met me is how he should take me. And he says that that is true and that he's wrong for trying to change me on that end, but then it comes up again. But i know that i need to dress prettier, girlier, sexier....because how else would i keep my man's attention? I mean i do want to dress like that, just really classy, girlie and pretty, but i lack the confidence i feel to pull it off *sighs*

I really need to work on my confidence....anyone got any tips? I don't want to depend on him for that. Though he wants me to know that he's there and that i can get my confidence from him, he tells me I'm beautiful, that I'm sexy, and have a great body, even when i don't feel like none of those things, but i want to be able to gain that confidence on my own...

and i sure hope i can see my man at least on this weekend, because if i gotta wait another week, i'ma go crazy! I wish i had a car to get out to him! i guess I'm just going to have to take the train to him....but since he didn't mention it and he never knows his work schedule off hand, then i don't feel like i should ask...he should tell me when he's off...which is another thing that irritates me...i feel like I'm always on top of the schedule and he isn't.

i really need to get my own life, and not wait by the phone for him to call. like right now i turned off the phone because i don't want to be looking at it, waiting for him to call or to get a text from him. plus i guess i secretly want him to know how it feels to wait on someone to return your call. he told me he was going to shower, and I'm like it don't take 40 minutes to shower....should i assume that he's cheating? or that he's giving me the run around? am i being boo boo the fool? or should i just trust him?

Trust is my other issue. My ex and the guy before him really messed me up on that. I want to trust my current boyfriend so much, but i always have these thoughts in my head because of the last 2 guys...and i know he's not those 2 guys and he didn't hurt me, but i can't help it. i need to learn to help it though.

plus it being hot as hell the last 2-3 days in the Chi ain't been helping either! i get mad and angry when I'm hot! plus I'm PMS'ing, well i was at the beginning of the week..and cramping...but yeah i know, those shouldn't be an excuse...maybe everything will be normal next week, if it's not so hot and i'm not pms'ing, lol.

I need to learn how to trust....i so want to trust him and not be paranoid or jealous or his female friends....that's the worse feeling to have...then i feel bad about being that way towards them, because they didn't do nothing to me, or i ain't met them yet, and it makes it seem like I'm nothing, just chopped liver...i need to have more confidence for my self! God i need help! please hear me God! help me!

I'm just blabbing now. I feel better that i vented out my feelings on here. I haven't done that in a while, not since my early days of blogging. oh well. anyone out there who prays, please pray for me that i can get better. I don't know what's wrong with me....i don't know if it's the social anxiety trying to creep back up, or if it's depression, or I'm hoping nothing else is wrong like me being bipolar or something. I wish i could afford counseling, because i would go....and i don't want to depend on medication. So for now i just gotta get support from people close to my, prayer, my bible, this blog to write on, reading self help books like this Joyce Meyers "Battlefield of the Mind" book, and God.

I don't know if anyone reads this anymore, please let me know if you do, because if you do, then maybe I'd start to write more. peace and take care everyone! :-)

look at me, calling him again, and he doesn't answer...great! i just left a voice mail saying "hello, it's 9:40, i thought you was gonna call me back...you still in the shower"?. *sighs* i should've not called him. oh well. we'll see how i get through this... :-(

posted by Toya @ 8:59 PM 0 comments

Its been a long time

I haven't wrote on here in forever. If i tend to write anything it's on myspace or facebook. Alot has changed in my life, and right now i'm pretty happy. have a new boyfriend, 2 jobs, i volunteer. i still deal with my social anxeity at times, but not as much. i'm alot more outgoing than let's say 7 years ago when i first started to write in this blog. I see that i only posted once last year. sorry about that, but i've been hella busy. I guess that's a good thing. Time has gone by so fast, and i'm getting older. 27 now, and soon to be 28 later on this year. I look back and the post i wrote when i was 20 and laugh. did i really write that stuff? ha! in other news, i have a new nephew...my first and only so far. he's almost 8 months. he's the most adorable thing. also i hope to go to grad school with in the next year and need to study for the GRE ASAP! anyways, that's enough of me.....

any of the old bloggers that use to read my blog still out there? or any new people that read my blog still out there? Chevonne? G. Cornelius, Star? Gian. Let me know! :-)

posted by Toya @ 11:29 PM 0 comments